I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
