So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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