Don't make out with my wife yet
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize