My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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