I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Everclear isn't food dammit
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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