P.S. I can't hear my feet
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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