after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize