I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
