It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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