i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize