The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
