i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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