Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
just tell him i said nine months
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
