party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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