Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
