take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
