I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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