Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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