i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
