and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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