she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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