Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
