the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
