If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
