how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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