i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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