I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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