We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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