I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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