I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
