I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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