Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
