couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
