There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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