I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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