Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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