Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
this will be a night to untag.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
