I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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