her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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