I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
In America we eat man semen.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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