This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
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