At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
