Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
