Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
