He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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