I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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