Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
