im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize