He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
