I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Just high enough for therapy.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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