Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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