yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
