Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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