Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
