We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
