I feel like I'm in dance class right now
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
