Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
