I forgot how hot balto sounded
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
