Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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