A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize