oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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