My hand turned me down
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize