I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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