What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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